Author Archives: Jen

Post Partum Depression/Anxiety/Stress

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You see articles but you scroll past it, you hear stories but you tune yourself out because hey, doesn’t happen that often and what are the chances that it’s going to happen to you right? Wrong. At least for me. Yes, I glanced at articles, I heard about it in the birth classes I took but I figured it was a small probability and it most likely wasn’t going to happen to me. Boy was I in for a big surprise.

After I gave birth I was in awe of my creation, my sweet baby girl. But I didn’t have that immediate bond that I heard other moms talk about. I loved her yes, and cared for her and wanted to make sure she was okay. But the labor had not only drained me, my bladder and my lady areas were causing me much pain. I was mentally fine at the hospital but once we got home I felt like a darkness fell upon me. All of a sudden we were alone, with no safety net of the nurses and a crying baby. Suddenly at home which reminded me of a life prior to this baby made me sad for some reason. A few days later I had to go to the emergency room, my bladder and bodily functions shut down due to the immense swelling of my episiotomy. I had to have a catheter inserted and needed to see a specialist on top of that. Not only was I struggling at home with motherhood, breastfeeding and healing but now I had this on top of it. Let me tell you having a catheter in is NOT the business especially with a newborn. All of this stress I felt at the moment I figured was due to the health issues and normal new mom stress. I cried. All the time. I mean here I was, struggling with latching and milk production, failing bodily functions, a catheter (which my husband had to empty out for me every few hours), a new baby that I had no clue how to take care of and I was in immense pain. To top it off on Saturday morning of that week (I was discharged Tuesday), I woke up with a UTI and a bunch of guests and in laws. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I wanted to run as far as I could and get away from this life I didn’t recognize. I was screaming deep down inside but nobody heard me. I kept telling my husband that I felt weird and down. He didn’t really understand. He just kept inviting his parents over. I get everyone wants to see the new baby but I was barely clinging onto my sanity and my health. I needed as less variables as possible. I think even he, as many classes as he took did not think I was going to have PPD and didn’t recognize the signs.

The following week health wise I felt much better but I still had that cloud looming over me. I felt a deep sense of sadness, anxiety, stress and pain. I wept in the middle of the night because these feelings kept me up. I sobbed while holding the baby. I cried in the shower. I remember crying to my husband and him just sitting in front of the tv and not even looking over at me. I stood by the kitchen crying, telling him I didn’t feel right, I felt sad and felt like my life was over. He really didn’t say anything and didn’t come over to me. Thinking back brings tears to my eyes because this was by far THE most painful time of my life. I remember the pain feeling like the worst break up of your life times 1000. Think of the worst your heart has felt and multiply it. My heart ached and I could barely face each day. With each day the darkness grew and I sank deeper into this hole. I remember telling myself I couldn’t do this, what was I thinking? I’m not cut out for this. I even felt like I had a made a mistake in deciding to have a baby. I was in over my head. How do other moms manage?! I would talk to my other mom friends and some couldn’t relate and some to an extent. Some felt the “baby blues” but I felt like this was much more than that. I couldn’t fully confess my feelings in its entirety to people because deep down I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like something was wrong with me. None of my other mom friends had ever told me about something like this so why was I going through this? Was there something mentally wrong with me? No, not at all I figured later on.

After a few more days of utter agony I decided to call my OB and speak with her. My voice wavered on the phone and I could barely explain my feelings. I burst into tears out of dispair and embarrasment. I felt like I let my baby and husband down. Why did I feel this way? Why couldn’t I “mom up” and bask in this wonderful time with my new baby? Why was I dwelling on negative thoughts and feeling anxiety? My OB sensed something was off in my voice and had me come in right away. I was hesitant but I obliged. I mean, at this point I had to figure something out because I didn’t want to do anything, not even leave the house or speak to anyone. I remember clearly sitting in the exam room waiting for her. The second she came in she gave me the biggest most sympathetic hug. Immediately I felt a sense of relief and comfort, comfort I so badly needed. Tears started welling up and I could barely speak. I choked on my words in trying to describe my feelings. I couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat and just felt like I wasn’t myself. She said I was definitely not the even tempered person she was used to seeing and suggested I start on a low dosage medication right away to help while my hormones balance out. See, after you give birth immediately you have a drop in hormones and it takes time for everything to come back to normal. I was hesitant to take the pills but when discussing it with my husband for the next couple days he urged me to. He said that I should enjoy this time with our new baby and that this was the way to do it. There was nothing wrong with that. My fears were that I’d have to take these pills forever and I’d never be myself again. I was afraid of it becoming a crutch. After much hesitation he was right. I was losing time with my newborn because of this and I needed to do whatever I could to get better so I could take care of her and enjoy her.

I can’t pinpoint an exact time that I felt better right away but I know it was gradual and it happened. Slowly I felt like myself again, I was able to somehow merge my old identities with my new one, mom. I found ways to adapt to my new role and all the expectations of it. It took time and it was beyond frightful, but I did it. In the beginning I was afraid of being alone with her. Not that I felt like I would do anything to her, it was that I didn’t have confidence in myself to take care of her. It took me a long time to find the courage to take her out on my own. It wasn’t until she was probably 3 months old that I felt comfortable. It was around that time that I decided it was the right time to quit the medication as well. I didn’t want to stay on it long and wanted to see if I was better.

Looking back, I shudder at the thought of how I felt and what I went through. PPD, post partum anxiety and stress are no joke. It can cripple one’s mind. It can be so strong that it can take over everything in you. I wish that this topic were more openly discussed and more information available. It would have helped tremendously if nurses went over this with me before I left the hospital. Furthermore if nurses spoke to husbands about this it could have made a difference. I notice a lot of moms are hesitant to speak up about this because of feeling ashamed or somewhat like a failure. It’s not until I bring it up that other moms chime in as well. Even now, when I do explain this to my soon to be mom friends or non mom friends they don’t quite understand and I can see that same look in their eye as I had that it won’t happen to them. My advice: it can happen to anyone and is more common than you think. It’s best to be prepared for anything than for nothing. This experience completely blindsided me and crippled me mentally and emotionally for weeks. It’s a time I would never want to relive again and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you have gone through it don’t be afraid to speak up about it. If you are going through it don’t hesitate to get help immediately. The longer you let it wait the harder it is to help. If you know someone going through it be there for them and do what you can to help. It can be the most loneliest painful thing one has to face and no one should have to do it alone. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve spoken to that felt like they had PPD but because their husbands ignored them or other people made them feel bad about it they just suffered in silence. No one should have to do this!

Today, aside from being delirious from the lack of sleep (and at times patience tested!) I can say that I’ve adapted to motherhood and I love my new role. Just because there wasn’t an immediate bond in the beginning doesn’t mean that I don’t have a strong one now as any other mom. I love this little piglet to infinity and beyond. I never felt or knew a love of this capacity existed. My heart bursts full of love and awe each day and I can’t believe she’s mine. There are times I still cry but it’s because she makes me so happy and I don’t want her to grow up too fast. I’d be perfectly content keeping her this small forever. She’s my life, my heart and my world.

ROUGH WEEK

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Sleepless Nights by

Last week has been one of the roughest weeks, I’d say it’s right up next to the 1st week we brought the baby home from the hospital. I flew off the handle several times with the hubby, I broke down and cried with the baby, and I officially convinced myself that she hated me. Hubby has been sick last two weeks so I was one man short around the household. To top that off, little Piglet has been teething, going through her 5th developmental leap, and approaching her 6 month sleep regression. WOOSAHHH. She is fussy about 80% of the time, won’t let me set her down even for 30 seconds, and nothing makes her happy except when I’m holding her.

Motherhood is the hardest adventure you will ever go through and I’m sure there will be many more uphill battles ahead. But the second she smiles at me I know it’s all worth it and I’ll find the strength to keep going. I know I will have bad days and good days. But these moments don’t last forever and there will be a last time that she will ask to be held and a last time she will want me to feed her. Sob. Okay now I’ve started crying again. End rant.

What I Would Have Done Differently

Posted in Childbirth, New Mom Chronicles, Pregnancy by

When asked what I would have done differently during my pregnancy and labor only a few things come to mind for now:

Journal and Memories: I wish I would have documented the pregnancy more and taken more photos. If I could go back I would definitely have at least kept a weekly journal and maybe even make a time capsule for my baby piglet.

PPD: You hear about post partum depression a lot but you always skim past the articles and tune out any talk of it because you don’t really think it could happen to you. If I could go back I would have better educated myself about the subject so that I could have been better prepared and be able to recognize the signs. After I got home from the hospital I had a bad case of stress, anxiety and depression. I didn’t know what hit me. After about a week I had to look up symptoms of PPD but I couldn’t grasp that I had it. Had I been better informed I think I would have sought help quicker rather than suffer alone.

Visitors: I should have been more firm with my husband about visitors. Of course he, not going through childbirth or anything was more than eager to have everyone come visit. But I, just going through quite an ordeal (24 hours of early labor, 16 hours active labor, painful episiotomy, major edema in around my vaginal area which resulted in bodily functions shutting down, malfunctioning bladder, painful catheter insertion, UTI, on top of that PPD… I WAS NOT up for visitors. Of course everyone wants to see the baby and think it’s such a great time. It’s not! Hormones are out of whack, you just birthed out a human being and you are not sure how your life is anymore. Lack of sleep and a newborn on your breast every hour takes a lot out of you. If I could go back, I would have firmly put my foot down, no visitors for 1st two weeks. Immediate family can visit ONCE in the 1st week for a short time.

Night Nurse: I know this is a luxury. But I would have honestly gotten a night nurse. My friend did and it made me regret not doing so. I think it would have made my life, recovery and PPD a lot easier. At least for the 1st month or two! Sleep is everything I’ve learned. Too little of it makes you a monster and wonder every morning how you are still alive. How can one go on sleeping in 2 hour increments with no naps during the day? So yes, next time I’m pregnant if that ever happens I’m getting a night nurse.

New Baby and Relationships

Posted in Childbirth, New Mom Chronicles, Pregnancy, Relationships by

I know it’s pretty much common sense to know that a new baby will change everything in your life right? Everything, including your relationships with everyone in your life. I spent so much time preparing for a new baby and myself, that I completely didn’t prepare for the changes I was about to face with my husband, friends and family. I feel like one of the things to put on your list to prepare for a new baby is to take the time to go over which relationships matter most to you and what changes to expect. Not enough time is spent on this subject and once baby arrives, there is NO TIME AT ALL to go over it.

Partner: So much time is put towards preparing for this new baby along with all the classes you want to take just to make sure you know what you are doing. We took ALL the classes! Everything from Infant CPR, Breastfeeding Basics, Newborn Care, Labor and Delivery, you name it we took it. What people failed to mention in these classes was that your relationship with your significant other will change dramatically, especially in the first few months. With your hormones out of whack, a new human being that you just pushed out, and adjusting to ZERO sleep, have NO DOUBT that you will be a different person. There really needs to be a class that you can take before you have a baby that emotionally and mentally prepares the both of you through this journey together. Just like how there are classes you take before you get married, there should be classes to take before you have a baby that prepare you for the changes you will see in each other. I really didn’t think much of this to be honest, I just thought “Hey, I’m going to have a baby, and it will be different postpartum for a bit then it will go back to normal”. That’s not the case most of the time. I mean, there is an exception to this rule where there are couples that remain lovey dovey and completely perfect through this new chapter but I’ve only seen one couple in my entire life and they are an anomaly I tell you. Okay, so what changes? Everything. First off, once you get home from the hospital not only are you healing mentally and physically but you now have to get the hang of breastfeeding every 1-2 hours around the clock. The house will be in shambles, you will barely shower and this little human being has taken you captive. The lack of sleep combined with a lack of those “happy hormones” you were getting during pregnancy will turn you into someone with zero patience. Now this all depends on how well you deal with stress and lack of sleep. I for one, am the type of person that needs 8 full hours and can’t deal with hunger. So I was not that pretty to deal with. My poor husband, I know many times has had to deal with me biting his head off, but that’s just what happens when you are working with 2 hours of sleep a night for 5 months. For the first few months you are all about the baby and nothing else, so your partner may very well feel neglected. This in turn can change them as well. You may feel like your baby is all you need in this world and it’s you against your partner. Fights will make you feel even more distant and apart. Hunger and fatigue will make you say things you didn’t mean. You may feel like you need more from your partner and get resentful if it’s not happening. Then you will feel like “Well, is this what it’s going to be like? Is this relationship going to work out?” Before I answer that, let me say that a weak and unstable relationship pre-baby will only get more rocky. A baby does not solve problems nor does it mend problems or issues. A relationship that is not strong, will not withstand. A baby will truly test your relationship, partnership or marriage. You both will be worn down thin then left to deal with each other. This relationship CAN work, IF BOTH parties keep communication open and adapt. Voice your expectations but in a way that can be best received. Bring up concerns and if you want to see changes made. Try to remember that you both are on the same team, not opposing parties. Most of all, don’t lose sight of the love you have for one another and make a vow to show this love often. A new baby at times will let you lose sight of the love you share. If you can get over the rough hump together, then you can make it work. When the baby starts to sleep longer and need you less, you will start to sleep a little more and in turn, be a little nicer. I will tell you, after many spats, disagreements and tears, me and my husband are much better now that we were a couple months ago. It just takes a ton of understanding, patience, communication and a willingness to change on both parts.

Friends: Be prepared to lose friends. I have found that I did lose some friends, BUT it strengthened my bond with others. Finally, friends that were already moms had something new to bond with. I felt like a new relationship ensued and it was great. You definitely need to have some mom friends in your book! As for friends that I lost, this is always the inevitable in these situations. Some friends just feel like they aren’t in the same chapter of life as you anymore and some though happy for you may make them feel lacking about their own lives. Those especially that do not have kids will not understand what you just went through and don’t know how to be there for you, so they just disappear.

Family: Definitely in most circumstances having a new baby should bring you and your family closer. This was not the case with mine as I don’t have a normal family situation. My parents were separated when I was born and my mom is an interesting character. Having a new baby I feel has driven us even further apart for some reason. But for my husband, it has made him closer to his family and has made him see his father in a new light. Now that he is a father, he understands the hard work his father put in when he was young. I think it makes everything come around in full circle where the son/daughter becomes the father/mother.

Things No One Tells You About Birth and the Aftermath

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You have no idea how many times my eyes widened or I questioned if I was really going through this. How come no one told me? How come my friends didn’t warn me? Why didn’t I read about this in the baby books?! Was this taboo to talk about? I really could have used a warning or two! Honestly, if I could go back and had the chance to be forewarned about these things I would have gladly taken the caution. I was absolutely appalled at what I was asked to do and had no idea that some of these things were supposed to happen.

Poop on the Table. You might poop on the table as you give birth. Yes it happens, not many talk about or want to talk about it. Many try to forget it. Some ask that they are not told if they did or not. I may have, not sure, but I will tell you in that moment you won’t care! You just want that baby out of you!

The Uterine Massage. Okay so as if it wasn’t enough to be in labor and push out a human being, they come and tell you they are now going to “massage” your uterus. Take the term “massage” loosely. I think they say that so you don’t jump out of bed or take your foot out of the stirrup and kick them in the face. I’ve heard that even when you have a C-Section they still do this no matter what! This is in no way a gentle, soothing, relaxing procedure. Two hands dig into your abdomen kneading and pushing and forcing the placenta out. I winced in pain appalled that pushing a baby out wasn’t the end of this. After the massage was over, I then “delivered” the placenta. This in which is sometimes spoken of but not sure if you can ever be prepared enough to see it. I just remember my eyes widened in horror and I couldn’t believe that big bloody gelatinous glob came out of me.

The First Pee. So you just went through labor and delivery. You JUST pushed out a baby. Your vagina and everything else surrounding it is torn, ripped, throbbing and has been through hell and back. If you had a C-Section then you must feel like you have just been cut open like a chicken. Well, don’t get too comfortable in your bed lady. About 30 minutes to an hour after you deliver, the nurses basically force you to stand up and walk to the bathroom to PEE. I laugh as I write this because I remember looking at my nurse, shaking my head as if I heard her wrong and asking her “You want me to do what?”. She said “You need to get up and go to the bathroom to pee.” But I don’t have to! It doesn’t matter. It’s so important that you pee right after you give birth and for them to witness and measure your pee so they can see that everything is working okay down there. Otherwise say hello to Mr. Catheter which I ended up needing. So back to getting up from the bed. I was in so much pain from the birth and from being stitched up that it hurt so much to even move around in bed let alone having to swing my legs over and to stand up. My husband and a nurse had to help me up and they slowly helped me shimmy my way to the bathroom which felt like 10 miles away. Let me add that once you stand up, you feel the gush of warm bloody fluid exit your vagina. It’s almost shocking how much comes out that you feel like you are hemorrhaging! Once we got to the bathroom, they asked that I sit down on the toilet (yes, sit down!) and pee. Everyone (husband included) were all standing there watching. Unsurprisingly, nothing happened. Finally I asked if I could get some privacy, the pressure and the eyes on me were just too much. Not 35 seconds later I hear a knock and it’s my husband asking if I’m doing alright. Sigh. LEAVE ME ALONE! 45 seconds later the nurse comes in and says to spray some warm water down there to get things going. Nope, didn’t help. I kept asking for time but no one wanted to give it. Up the catheter it went, which was SO PAINFUL because they had to basically poke around my new stitches and push something up there where something just came ripping out of. OUCH.

The 24 Hour a Day Checks. After I gave birth I was in the hospital 2 full days and nights. The nurses come and check in on you around the clock and I mean around the clock whether it be at 3am or 3pm. They come in, take your blood pressure, check if you have a fever AND they constantly make you lie down and then proceed to poke around down there. They move your giant diaper sized pad around, press deeply into your tender abdomen, take a deeper look to see how much you are bleeding and they pat your stitches. All I could think of was screaming “Leave my vagina alone already, don’t you know what it just went through?!”

The Blood and Smell. Be prepared to wear diapers for 2 months! I knew I was going to bleed afterwards. I thought for maybe a couple weeks and that it would be like a period. NO WAY. This was like the Red Sea had exploded inside of me. Blood gushed endlessly for weeks. Every time I stood up an ocean of it came gushing down prompting me to change my pad yet again. And the smell oh the horror! I can’t even describe this, what they call (yes there’s a name for it) “lochia”. No matter how many times I washed, changed, aired out, it still was there. It didn’t completely go away for at least 8 weeks!

After Birth Contractions. So they don’t tell you that after you give birth you will still feel these contractions, especially if you try to breastfeed. These contractions were not in any way as bad as the pre-birth ones but they weren’t pleasant. I constantly thought something was wrong inside of me or a 2nd baby was trying to make its way out.

The First Poo. I never thought of this up until I got closer to my due date. “What happens when I poo? OMG, how am I going to poo?” I never read about this in the books I got and I never heard girlfriends discuss this at baby showers and gatherings. My girlfriend finally brought it up to me and said it wasn’t that bad. Just take stool softeners. Hmmm, okay. Well I guess if other women have done it then so can I. After I gave birth, they immediately handed me a stool softener pill to take along with pain medication (a Norco to be exact). I popped the Norcos ’round the clock while I was in the hospital because the abdominal pain was too much. Much to my dismay, I wasn’t told about the side effects of these little gems! They tend to cause something called CONSTIPATION. You do not want to have just given birth and be constipated at the same time. Stool softeners will NOT help as they soften the stool that is newly produced not what has already been sitting in your system. So a few days after being discharged from the hospital I ended up at the ER for a malfunctioning bladder and extreme constipation. I mean, so extreme I was in pain and wanted to die. My stitches felt like they were being ripped apart. Advice? Take laxatives a few days before your due date and stay away from the Norcos ladies. No Bueno. Let’s just end this with my first poo being worst than pushing my baby out. I barely made it out of the bathroom alive.

Fart. Before you leave the hospital the nurses constantly ask you if you passed gas. You MUST pass gas before you can pass go. Seriously. Make sure you pass your gas and tell your nurses you did!

The Drive Home. THE WORST DRIVE EVER. You will feel all the bumps, potholes and turns! You will curse at your partner and scream and yell. You will grip onto what you can and grit your teeth. Suggestion? Invest in one of those donut pillows. Those are literally a lifesaver for the next 6 weeks.

Don’t Look Down. Your vagina will never look the same. Most of us don’t want to think about this. But I suggest not looking down there for 3 months, UNLESS you feel like something is really wrong and need to check. Otherwise, save yourself the scare and keep the pocket mirror out of the bathroom.

Sex. Is. Going. To. Hurt. This will hurt more than your first time ever did. You will feel like you are not going to make it out of this alive. You will want to crawl away and hide. But you will make it through, it will hurt several times over. But you will get through this and it will get better!

Mental Block. You will swear up and down that you will never do this again. The pain and agony fresh in your mind as you sit there and bleed out everyday. About 3-4 months later, slowly your memory of the experience gets foggy and it doesn’t seem as bad anymore. Your newborn isn’t a newborn anymore and cries less and sleeps more. Suddenly a 2nd doesn’t seem so bad does it?

“Mommy’s Thumb”. Okay this is a real thing, Google it. This happens particularly to new moms with no experience in how to hold a baby. I was holding my baby a lot and letting the weight of her head strain my right thumb. It got to be so painful that I would wake up in the morning with it feeling completely numb. I remember not being able to hold her without wincing in pain. I felt like I had arthritis or like my thumb was broken. I looked it up (because I like to self-diagnose myself via the internet) and lo and behold “Mommy’s Thumb”.

Pap Smear. Yes, about 6-8 weeks after pushing a human out of your vagina your OB will want to perform a pap smear on you and dig around your uterus to see how things are going down there.

Hatred for Hubby. Okay not hatred, but extreme irritation. This is mostly the hormones, lack of sleep and stress causing you to act out. I promise that it gets better and you will look at him one day as your hubby again. Babies completely change a relationship/marriage! But with work, communication and understanding you will be able to find your way back again.

Losing Friends. Be prepared to lose friends. Especially those with no kids. You won’t be able to hold a decent convo with someone without getting distracted by baby and hardly be able to speak about things that are non-baby related.

Sleep Deprivation.

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Oh the joy of sleep deprivation! I’ve always been an 8 hour minimum night’s sleep type of gal. It’s amazing how I’m still able to function now with 2 hour increments of sleep per night. Also completely surprised at how amazing I feel after getting 4 hours of straight sleep.

Sleep deprivation can do a number on you mentally, emotionally and physically. I turn into a complete monster when I am running on two hours of sleep and definitely feel bad for the hubby for receiving the backlash. Patience will run low, you will be too tired to sleep at times, you forget what you did 5 minutes ago, you will repeat things you already did, and you will get snappy! You start looking like a homeless person and one day happen to catch a glimpse of yourself while outside and are in utter shock at the physical transformation (and this is on a day you think you looked okay). I find myself investing in eye creams, more makeup and crying in my bathroom corner. I look at old photos and wonder if I’ll ever look like that again!

Funniest things I’ve done while sleep deprived:

Hallucinated. You are half asleep and swear the baby is somewhere else or you are somewhere else. This happened to me last night, I thought it was 3am and it was time to feed the baby when it was only 9pm. I ran to her room frantic because I thought I missed her first feeding.

Delirious online shopping. Once I was so delirious I added a bunch of random things to my shopping cart and hit “purchase”. The next morning I saw a confirmation email in my inbox and had to call them to cancel. What was I thinking?

Phantom crying. I swear she’s crying when she’s not. I’ll run into her room and she’s fast asleep.

I keep praying this will end soon and sometimes get upset if my little babe won’t stop crying at night. But then… I think about how this time won’t last forever. One day she won’t need me anymore and there will be a time where she won’t be right next to me where I can scoop her right up. So I just brush off my fatigue and hold her even closer and just try to freeze that moment. “These times won’t last forever, please don’t grow up too fast.” I whisper.

Gender Reveal… another event to plan.

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As if you don’t have enough on your plate with a new pregnancy, announcing a pregnancy and on top of that a baby shower, seems these days everyone is doing a gender reveal! What is a gender reveal? Well, it’s where the couple reveals the baby’s gender to everyone in some sort of celebration or cute way. It can be at a party, dinner, home or through photos! It can be with close family or with close friends/family, you choose!

I personally always knew I wanted to do a gender reveal party. I had planned on this even before we decided to try to have kids. I would mentally keep note of the different cute ways to do it and all the cute decorations and games. It really is like a mini baby shower minus the gifts. I kept my party guest list limited to about 30 people. We had catered food, games and really cute blue and pink decorations. For the big reveal I had special ordered these mini cupcakes with colored icing in the middle, blue for boy and pink for girl! We passed a cupcake out to everyone and had them bite into it at the same time with us. The outcome was a shocker! We were so sure our “little bean” was a BOY… but she was a girl! I didn’t know how to process it at first but in the end, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She is so sweet and perfect, I would change NOTHING.

I think it’s especially fun to do this type of event especially if it’s your first child. Memories are everything to me and this is something I can share with her when she’s older. She will see our reactions the moment we found out we were having her. Thinking about doing a reveal? Here are some suggestions:

  • Keep it small. Family members and VERY close friends. Anything more than 20-30 people is too much.
  • You CAN do it at home with just immediate family! Get a cake and have colored icing placed inside by the baker or close friend! Cut into it together and film the whole thing!
  • Don’t ask or expect gifts. This is your moment you are sharing with the people that you care about.
  • Make the reveal fun with either a dessert, games or an activity. You can find tons of ideas on Pinterest. I saw a cute one where the couple got a large box and had a friend fill it with either pink or blue balloons. They had to open it in the end to reveal what they were having!
  • Don’t want to do a reveal? You can do one through creative photography and post it on your social media or mail it out to people. Again, Pinterest has a ton of photo ideas!
  • Don’t want to share your reveal with everyone? Plan an intimate night out just you two and have the results in an envelope. Open it together and celebrate!

Documenting your pregnancy can result in a lot of saved memories and experiences that you can share with your little one later! It may seem like a long ways away till your little one arrives but trust me, it’s around the corner! It flew by really fast for me. I regret not journaling more, taking more photos and documenting more things!

I Broke Down…

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Sleepless Nights by

This morning was an especially trying time for me. For the first time in 4 months I broke down in tears and was on my knees waving the white flag. Now, I have broken down before but it was either over my PPD or fights with the hubby. This time, truly it was because I couldn’t take the crying, fussing and refusal to go back to sleep. The dreaded 4 month regression hit last week and it’s been really difficult for both me and baby Everly ever since. I know developmentally she is going through so much so this isn’t a pleasant time for her either. She’s not trying to purposely give me a hard time but man, it’s been a really hard time. I’ve been getting 3 or 4 hours of broken sleep a night. When we get up in the morning I take care of her and my chores all day until her bed routine that starts at 6pm, then I get about 4-5 hours to either eat, catch up on housework, emails, texts, take a short nap, order things we need, or just sit in silence.

So, back to my morning. She started fussing at 4am and nothing I did would soothe her. I tried to take her into her crib (we co-sleep half the night) and she was still fussing. Diaper changed, bottle fed, burped, took off layers of clothes, nope still wants to cry. A couple hours later I tried letting her watch some cartoons in hope that I could get her to just relax but after 10 minutes she was screaming and crying. Put her down in her crib again and she screamed even louder. I scooped her up, patience wavering, and made her another bottle. I’m so exhausted as I stood in the dark of my kitchen waiting for her bottle to heat up. It is extremely hard to stay positive when you are not getting any sleep an minimal help. Thoughts creep into your mind about how you haven’t lost this baby weight and might never, about how you’ve let yourself go, how you might not be cut out for this and are a bad mom because obviously your baby isn’t happy. You think about your husband leaving you for someone prettier, younger and skinnier because right now you are the exact opposite of those things along with a huge side of crabbiness. The bottle warmer bell goes off and I’m snapped back into my present moment. As I grab for the bottle she proceeds to spit up all over me and so now I have to juggle her carefully and the bottle as well while her vomit trickles down my back. I set her down and she starts screaming again. I take off my shirt, roll it up and toss it to the side. I try to give her the bottle but she refuses angrily and that’s the moment where I just wanted to give up and falter. Tears and tension built up behind the walls of my eyes just started flowing out. I had tried my best to stay strong for so long and in this very moment I just felt like I couldn’t anymore. This IS so much harder than I bargained for or could ever imagine. I give up baby, please tell me what you want! I’ll do anything! As I start sobbing she calms down and finally takes her bottle. She looks at me as her eyes start to grow heavy from her eventful morning. I look at her and it’s as if the tables were turned for a brief second and she was the one wishing I would stop crying.

The 1st Trimester

Posted in Pregnancy by

Out of all the trimesters I would say the 1st took the longest. It seemed like time stood still especially with the fact that we chose to wait till I reached 12 weeks before we told anyone. We both wanted to shout it to the world! I remember it being extremely hard keeping this secret to ourselves. I would say this was THE biggest secret I’ve ever had to keep mum about! I didn’t even tell my mom or my closest friends!

I definitely was hit with “morning sickness” except it hit me at night right before bed on the dot. I remember the wave of nausea, the stomach churning and the sour taste in my mouth. The headaches! Oh the headaches, how they would cripple me! I was so paranoid about anything I put in my body that I refused to take any type of pain medication for it even though the doctor said Tylenol was okay. I had my “little bean” inside me and I wanted as least chemicals inside my body as possible. She was the only thing that mattered to me now.

During this time I didn’t quite have that feeling that a life was growing inside of me yet I didn’t really feel like myself anymore. Food didn’t really taste the same to me and I’m a major FOODIE! I was worried that I wasn’t getting enough nutrients to her so I just forced myself to eat a ton of salads, fruits and protein. I remember going online and printing out food charts and what the best things to eat were. I was going to give my best to the “little bean” and only the best.

Okay, so one of THE most challenging things was what to do once you find out you are pregnant. I don’t have a lot of family and my mother and I are not that close so I really didn’t have any guidance. So if you are reading this and newly pregnant here is my list of things you need to do in your 1st trimester:

  • Find an OBGYN if you don’t already have one and make an appointment. Most won’t see you until you are about 6-8 weeks along. Make a list of questions that you want to ask him/her. Things I look for in an OBGYN: reviews/ratings, good bed side manners, C-section rates, how long he/she has been practicing for, any malpractice suits or complaints, if they will work with your birth plan and lastly, how much time they spend with me and how they answer my questions.
  • Find a hospital that you want to deliver at and figure out if your OBGYN delivers there. Take a tour of the facility, ask a ton of questions. If your OBGYN of choice does not deliver there then you have to either pick a hospital they are affiliated with or pick an OBGYN that is at your hospital of choice. Things I look for in a hospital: reviews/ratings, C-section rates, clean and state of the art facilities, distance from home.
  • Start your prenatal vitamins ASAP and take them religiously. I also took DHA vitamins for brain development too. Keep taking these even after you deliver especially if you plan on breast feeding.
  • Choose ONE pregnancy book to read. You don’t need to do this but I do this because I like to be informed of EVERYTHING and be prepared for ANYTHING. This is a life you are growing inside of you, information is EVERYTHING at this point. I liked “What to Expect When You Are Expecting”, it was extremely informative, easy to read and covered everything from proper diet, exercise to common questions.
  • If you are able to and don’t have any health complications, please exercise. This can be one of the best things you could EVER do for you and your little one. My OBGYN put it perfectly when she said labor and delivery are like a marathon that you have to train for. It is really draining and exhausting! Also, it’s so much better for the baby if you keep up on exercise! You don’t have to do anything crazy, daily walks outside or on treadmill, yoga, light aerobics, etc., will all help! Plus, you will bounce back easier after birth if you were already in shape. I was already active prior to getting pregnant so I stayed active all the way up to 40 weeks. In my 1st and 2nd trimester I did a lot of classes like Cardio Kickboxing (modified of course) and Cardio Barre, Yoga, elliptical machine, weights (you need to start building some upper body strength!) and lots of walking (I walked at least 3 miles). Of course, run everything by your doctor first before trying anything! Side note: By your 2nd trimester you shouldn’t be doing anything where you are laying on your back, so learn how to modify your work outs!
  • Clean up your diet if you haven’t already. Research things you can and cannot eat. Load up on nutritious foods and snacks. Drink a TON of water. I can’t stress this enough. You need so much water at this point to help the baby and his/her environment grow! Also, this is OBVIOUS but quit smoking, drinking and drugs please! Saying things like “I didn’t know” isn’t an excuse anymore. You became a mother once a life started growing inside of you. The information is readily available out there today, it’s up to you to seek it out.
  • Start thinking about what kind of birth you want to have: natural, at home, mid wife assisted, in hospital with epidural, etc.
  • Check with your medical insurance on what prenatal and postnatal costs are covered and not covered.
  • Get lots of rest! Making a baby is HARD WORK mama!
  • Find 3 mom friends that you can openly contact at any time to ask questions and solicit advice from. 2-3 friends are good, any more than that then all the information and differing opinions can be cumbersome. I think I had 2-3 friends whom I could text at any hour to either ask questions, advice or just plain vent to. Trust me, you need this!
  • Start saving money!

This is the time to sit your significant other down and really go over what kind of scenarios they can expect from you. Your hormones start to get overwhelming and you could very well turn into someone different for the next 9 months! Let them know that there is exhaustion, sickness, things you need help getting done, etc. Split the tasks with them! Growing a baby inside of you is not an easy job and can feel like every ounce of life is being drained from your body. Unless you have gone through it you would never know! This is the time to go over expectations and help the other person understand what you need and how it may be so they are better prepared!

Hang in there! Once you hit your 2nd trimester your energy comes back and more exciting things start happening like flutters, kicks and watching your belly grow!

 

My 1st Real Post!

Posted in Pregnancy by

This is my first real post! It has been way too chaotic and crazy to sit down and blog but as baby Everly sleeps I’m going to give it a go!

So, let’s start from the beginning. We found out we were pregnant in January of 2015. We had been trying for some time and it was actually quite a surprise. It got to the point for me that I just had to accept if it wasn’t going to happen then it wasn’t meant to be. But finally after almost a year of trying we were blessed!

My entire pregnancy was a really easy one compared to most women. I did feel nauseous and had bad headaches in my 1st trimester but I never threw up and barely had any food aversions. Once I hit my 2nd trimester I wasn’t as fatigued and I felt great! Seeing and feeling a life grow inside of you is an experience like no other. Becoming a mom, whether or not you carried your own baby or adopted is another amazing experience.

Although we had wanted a baby for so long I felt so unprepared! Where does one even start! All of a sudden I had to find an OB, one that worked with the hospital I chose to deliver at, then look for a Pediatrician, preferably one that could come to the hospital when baby was born. I had to figure out what I could and could not eat, what vitamins to take, what exercises were safe and unsafe. I had to think about if I wanted to do a gender reveal party, who could help me with a baby shower and really, if really I was ready for all of this! Then comes the part of what things do we need to buy? Not only what do we need but which is the best for our little one! All of a sudden it’s not about you anymore. It’s about this life that you are carrying. Nine months is hardly enough time to mentally and physically prepare to bring a life into this world!

Baby Everly is up now! I will make my next posts about my experiences in the different trimesters! Thanks for reading!