Category Archives: Sleepless Nights

Motherhood Changed Me

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Relationships, Sleepless Nights by

The second my little Piglet was born, I felt different. Well of course I felt different I’m the proud new parent of a small human being. But it was something else I tell you. Other chambers in myself opened whilst others shut forever. I was the old Jen but somehow with tweaks in my personality. Sleep deprivation definitely was responsible for the grouch in me but there was more. Suddenly nothing else mattered but HER. Everything about her came first. I would think of her 24 hours a day and research all about sleep patterns, feeding, babies, raising them, do’s and don’ts, products, shop for her, etc. I was and still am completely wrapped up in her.

My viewpoint towards people and friends changed a ton. Friends that didn’t care about my new life were no longer close friends to me. Naturally I grew apart from them. People that didn’t mind their manners about germs, being sick around her or being mindful of her nap time were wretched to me. I laugh. Because I know. It’s crazy. I get crazy mom syndrome sometimes and I’ll admit it. Anyone, and I mean anyone that comes over and isn’t mindful of her naps and what she needs gets to see my dark side, and it’s not pleasant. Lol. It’s all about her.

I cared less about myself. Okay this is bad but good. Bad for me, good for her, sort of. I put all of my energy and life into caring for her, nurturing her and making sure she has everything she needs. I spend time grooming her development and keeping her entertained. I would much rather spend money and time into making sure she has all the toys, games, and clothes she needs rather than spend on myself. The other day I felt guilty about buying sneakers. Why did I buy them? Ever since I got pregnant my feet swelled up and never went back. I needed comfortable shoes to carry her around in. Above all, material items aside, I give her all of me, my time, attention and love. And I’ll keep doing it no matter what. Yes, I’ve let myself go a bit, I’m not as thin and I don’t spend time applying makeup or curling my hair anymore. I really wish I could trust me, but that extra time goes to her and it’s deserving because one day I’ll blink and she will be 16.

Things that used to matter don’t matter anymore. It’s true. You become more focused on your family rather than going out, being around certain groups or spending frivolously on things (unless it’s for Piglet!). You start paying more attention on relationships that matter rather than unfruitful ones.

If you were not already in tune to world events or news even, you start to pay attention because it’s the world your little one will grow up in. Suddenly you worry because he or she will have to be around this. I became more eco-friendly when I became pregnant. I switched out all of my personal and home products. I make sure I recycle and not waste. I try to research all products before purchase. I am even trying to be more energy efficient. I want her to learn these things so she can help preserve our world so that she has a world to live in.

I’m not as nice. For the time being (hopefully). To everyone else besides my Piglet. I hate to say this but it’s true. My patience is tested to the core and I get no sleep or rest day to day. I have nothing left in me to be cordial or deal with small talk. The bags under my eyes speak for themselves. I barely know what day it is anymore and I don’t really care about anything else but getting her naps and feedings in. I have a very low tolerance for B.S. and I’m quick to snap.

On an end note, most of all that’s changed about me is the immense love my heart could hold and feel. I never knew my heart could give this much love or I could feel this way for another. On top of this it grows stronger with each day. I look at her and my heart wants to explode out of my chest. The words “she’s mine” leave my mouth and I hug her close to my heart. My biggest accomplishment is this little human who challenges me in the most meaningful ways each and every day.

ROUGH WEEK

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Sleepless Nights by

Last week has been one of the roughest weeks, I’d say it’s right up next to the 1st week we brought the baby home from the hospital. I flew off the handle several times with the hubby, I broke down and cried with the baby, and I officially convinced myself that she hated me. Hubby has been sick last two weeks so I was one man short around the household. To top that off, little Piglet has been teething, going through her 5th developmental leap, and approaching her 6 month sleep regression. WOOSAHHH. She is fussy about 80% of the time, won’t let me set her down even for 30 seconds, and nothing makes her happy except when I’m holding her.

Motherhood is the hardest adventure you will ever go through and I’m sure there will be many more uphill battles ahead. But the second she smiles at me I know it’s all worth it and I’ll find the strength to keep going. I know I will have bad days and good days. But these moments don’t last forever and there will be a last time that she will ask to be held and a last time she will want me to feed her. Sob. Okay now I’ve started crying again. End rant.

Sleep Deprivation.

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Sleepless Nights by

Oh the joy of sleep deprivation! I’ve always been an 8 hour minimum night’s sleep type of gal. It’s amazing how I’m still able to function now with 2 hour increments of sleep per night. Also completely surprised at how amazing I feel after getting 4 hours of straight sleep.

Sleep deprivation can do a number on you mentally, emotionally and physically. I turn into a complete monster when I am running on two hours of sleep and definitely feel bad for the hubby for receiving the backlash. Patience will run low, you will be too tired to sleep at times, you forget what you did 5 minutes ago, you will repeat things you already did, and you will get snappy! You start looking like a homeless person and one day happen to catch a glimpse of yourself while outside and are in utter shock at the physical transformation (and this is on a day you think you looked okay). I find myself investing in eye creams, more makeup and crying in my bathroom corner. I look at old photos and wonder if I’ll ever look like that again!

Funniest things I’ve done while sleep deprived:

Hallucinated. You are half asleep and swear the baby is somewhere else or you are somewhere else. This happened to me last night, I thought it was 3am and it was time to feed the baby when it was only 9pm. I ran to her room frantic because I thought I missed her first feeding.

Delirious online shopping. Once I was so delirious I added a bunch of random things to my shopping cart and hit “purchase”. The next morning I saw a confirmation email in my inbox and had to call them to cancel. What was I thinking?

Phantom crying. I swear she’s crying when she’s not. I’ll run into her room and she’s fast asleep.

I keep praying this will end soon and sometimes get upset if my little babe won’t stop crying at night. But then… I think about how this time won’t last forever. One day she won’t need me anymore and there will be a time where she won’t be right next to me where I can scoop her right up. So I just brush off my fatigue and hold her even closer and just try to freeze that moment. “These times won’t last forever, please don’t grow up too fast.” I whisper.

I Broke Down…

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Sleepless Nights by

This morning was an especially trying time for me. For the first time in 4 months I broke down in tears and was on my knees waving the white flag. Now, I have broken down before but it was either over my PPD or fights with the hubby. This time, truly it was because I couldn’t take the crying, fussing and refusal to go back to sleep. The dreaded 4 month regression hit last week and it’s been really difficult for both me and baby Everly ever since. I know developmentally she is going through so much so this isn’t a pleasant time for her either. She’s not trying to purposely give me a hard time but man, it’s been a really hard time. I’ve been getting 3 or 4 hours of broken sleep a night. When we get up in the morning I take care of her and my chores all day until her bed routine that starts at 6pm, then I get about 4-5 hours to either eat, catch up on housework, emails, texts, take a short nap, order things we need, or just sit in silence.

So, back to my morning. She started fussing at 4am and nothing I did would soothe her. I tried to take her into her crib (we co-sleep half the night) and she was still fussing. Diaper changed, bottle fed, burped, took off layers of clothes, nope still wants to cry. A couple hours later I tried letting her watch some cartoons in hope that I could get her to just relax but after 10 minutes she was screaming and crying. Put her down in her crib again and she screamed even louder. I scooped her up, patience wavering, and made her another bottle. I’m so exhausted as I stood in the dark of my kitchen waiting for her bottle to heat up. It is extremely hard to stay positive when you are not getting any sleep an minimal help. Thoughts creep into your mind about how you haven’t lost this baby weight and might never, about how you’ve let yourself go, how you might not be cut out for this and are a bad mom because obviously your baby isn’t happy. You think about your husband leaving you for someone prettier, younger and skinnier because right now you are the exact opposite of those things along with a huge side of crabbiness. The bottle warmer bell goes off and I’m snapped back into my present moment. As I grab for the bottle she proceeds to spit up all over me and so now I have to juggle her carefully and the bottle as well while her vomit trickles down my back. I set her down and she starts screaming again. I take off my shirt, roll it up and toss it to the side. I try to give her the bottle but she refuses angrily and that’s the moment where I just wanted to give up and falter. Tears and tension built up behind the walls of my eyes just started flowing out. I had tried my best to stay strong for so long and in this very moment I just felt like I couldn’t anymore. This IS so much harder than I bargained for or could ever imagine. I give up baby, please tell me what you want! I’ll do anything! As I start sobbing she calms down and finally takes her bottle. She looks at me as her eyes start to grow heavy from her eventful morning. I look at her and it’s as if the tables were turned for a brief second and she was the one wishing I would stop crying.