Tag Archives: newmommy

Losing Friendships

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Relationships by

I’ve touched on this topic before in previous posts but lately I’ve been feeling it more than ever. Becoming a mom brings you closer to your family in ways and makes you grow apart from certain friends. I used to have a lot of close friends but these days, I can hardly think of a couple. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones still looming about (I was told it could take a few years to level out!) but I’ve been a little sad about it lately.

I LOVE having my little one as my bestie. She ALWAYS wants to be wish me, around me and to be held by me. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I guess I just feel like I’m mourning the loss of some friendships. It’s funny because there were people that I thought would be more involved in our lives and take an interest in her growth but to my surprise it was completely the opposite. They’ve grown more silent than ever, more absorbed in their own lives and doing their own thing. Am I being selfish? I guess I had certain expectations and I guess I expected people to act as how I would have if the shoe were on the other foot. I feel like if you are a close friend you would want to take interest in my baby’s growth and want to take an active role in getting to know her. Is that too much to ask?

After birth, I had a rough recovery, a rough road. I had a bout of some really narly post partum depression and it was quite a journey to get myself out of it. I just remember having a super difficult time climbing out and needed all the support I could get. Not many were around and not many cared to even know what I was going through. All but one friend really understood my situation and I’m thankful she stood by me all hours of the night and day. She came to my rescue countless times.

My little piglet is now 9 months old and I am happy to say that I have adapted pretty well to my new role in motherhood. Of course everyday is a new learning experience and I have a long way to go but I still do have moments where it’s hard to cope. My hormones are still crazy at times and sometimes I feel really lost. There are moments of loneliness, helplessness, a loss of identity, stress, anxiety and extreme exhaustion. Sometimes I just need a hug and someone to tell me it’s going to be okay! I think this is where I feel the mourning of my friendships. Like I’m over here screaming silently asking for help and no one even notices.

In the end what matters most is your family. Friendships that aren’t meant to be will fall to the wayside and those meant to last will stay. Friendships I thought would strengthen didn’t but there were a couple friendships that blossomed and I have to focus on those instead. Becoming a mother is all about change I just need to let my life and relationships go where it takes me!

Rules For Visiting Newborns

Posted in Childbirth, New Mom Chronicles by

I touched briefly on this topic in one of my earlier blog posts but felt I needed to dedicate a post just for this. Before I became pregnant I didn’t realize a lot of these things! Seems like common sense to all moms which a majority of the time it is (there are moms or older people that don’t get it) but for non-parents it’s not! It is really important to respect a family and a mom that has a new baby and to abide by their needs and rules when visiting. Here are some guidelines below:

– Ask mom directly if it’s okay to visit and when would be a good time. If you are in contact with dad make sure he gets the green light from mom. A lot of times dads are oblivious and just invite everyone over without mom’s consent. True story. Don’t be pushy or persistent. Every mom and family is different. Some moms don’t mind visitors straight away but for me I really wasn’t ready for visitors until 8 weeks and even then it was only for really close friends and family.

– Bring food! Do not, I repeat do not come empty handed on your first visit. It is unbelievably hectic when you first bring a baby home and a lot of times food is forgotten about so food is always welcome!

– When you come over wash your hands if you are going to hold the baby. Do not kiss the baby! I think it’s so rude when people just go in and grab your baby or kiss your baby all over the face. That’s the quickest way to give baby an illness!

– Do not hog the baby the whole time or expect to just come over and take away from the special beginning bonding moments of this new family. Instead, see if there’s something you can do around the house like a load of laundry, dishes, cooking a meal, walking the dogs, vacuum, etc. This would be beyond helpful. I hate it when people just come over and want to relax on your couch and hold your baby while you have to sit there and entertain while you are completely exhausted!

– Do not stay long. One hour max. Newborns need their rest and so do moms. Last thing we want is to sit there for hours holding up a conversation when all we can think about is when the next time to nurse is.

– Better yet, leave food at the door and go. Include a note or card asking to let you know when a good time to visit is. This would be beyond appreciated!

– If you are sick, beginning to feel sick or even getting over being sick, please stay home!

– If baby starts crying please hand him/her back to parents. Do not force the interaction or think you should try to soothe baby yourself.

– Abide by parents rules! Every family is different, some more lax than others. If a family requires you to be updated on your vaccines then respect their wishes.

Again, every family is different especially when they have several kids vs. 1. When its a family’s first baby it’s definitely a more sensitive time. I’m sure by the 3rd or 4th baby their rules have definitely changed! It’s best to always ask first though, when is a good time to visit and what do you need? My girlfriend Katelyn who has been a tremendous help is the perfect ideal example of a friend that was super respectful, helpful and accomodating. She checked in on me everyday through text and waited until I was ready to invite her over. She never came over empty handed (always yummy food!) and always took the initiative in doing things to help me. She would come over with groceries and cook, hold the baby while I showered, babysat while I ran errands, and left food on my doorstep because she didn’t want to bother me or wake baby. On top of all this she always respected how I wanted to care for my baby even though she had kids of her own and this was my first! She is definitely the ideal mom friend to have and has been beyond helpful and wonderful to my new family.

You Won’t Understand Until…

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Pregnancy by

You definitely won’t understand another mother’s struggle until you yourself become a mom. It’s so true. I never really put myself in the shoes of my friends who had already had kids way before me. I didn’t get why they were late to functions or always had an excuse to not come out. I wondered why they were always tired and didn’t have time to maintain themselves.  Sometimes keeping in touch would be challenging because they would be MIA or take forever to respond. And what was this talk about scheduling plans around nap time? What was that nonsense??! Ahhh now I know, I am on the other side and have joined my fellow mom friends. I get it now ladies, I understand!

No Sleep, No Rest. – I never thought about this until I was thrown into it after having my little Piglet. Wow. Praise to all the mamas out there. It’s hard! No sleep, no showers and barely any full meals make for a very rough road each day. The first 3 months were a complete blur as I was barely hanging by a thread. It has either gotten better or I have gotten better with dealing with it. I apologize to my mom friends in instances that I didn’t understand why you were always tired! You do not know true exhaustion until you become a mom. I know this is true as I have once worked double shifts as a bartender, triple shifts as a server/bartender, and have gone countless nights with several hours of sleep. It in no way compares to the hours you clock in with motherhood. There is no clocking out!

Going Out – I remember way back when I would ask my mom friends to go out partying or drinking and wouldn’t understand how hard it was to find a sitter. You think hey just ask your mom or friend right? Now that I’m on the other side I a) would much rather stay home with my baby than go partying b) sitters are not that easy to find as I thought c) it’s extremely hard to trust just anyone with your baby, family members included. For instance I don’t think I’d even trust my mom to watch my baby. It’s been 35 years since she held or cared for a baby and many things have changed!

“The Mom Look” – I didn’t understand this look but I often saw it amongst mom friends or random moms in public. The look can be a one of or a combination of the following: short hair, messy bun, ponytail, dirty hair, sweats, yoga pants/leggings, oversized tshirt, vomit or spit up on clothes, flip flops or sneakers, no makeup, chipped nail polish, bags/circles under eyes. Moms out there, I understand now… I understand. Enough said.

Visiting New Moms/Newborns – Okay, if you are visiting a newborn these are things you do beforehand:

– Ask mom directly if it’s okay to visit and when would be a good time. Don’t push. Every mom is different. For me I really wasn’t ready for visitors until 8 weeks.

– Bring food!

– When you come over wash your hands if you are going to hold the baby. Do not kiss the baby!

– Do not hog the baby the whole time or expect to just come over and take away from the beginning bonding moment of this new family. Instead, see if there’s something you can do around the house like a load of laundry, dishes, cooking a meal, walking the dogs, vacuum, etc. This would be beyond helpful. I hate it when people just come over and want to relax on your couch and hold your baby while you have to sit there and entertain while you are completely exhausted!

– Do not stay long. One hour max. Newborns need their rest and so do moms. Last thing we want is to sit there for hours holding up a conversation when all we can think about is when the next time to nurse is.

– Better yet, leave food at the door and go. Include a note or card asking to let you know when a good time to visit is. This would be beyond appreciated!

Friends and New Babies – Of course when you have a friend with a new baby your natural inclination is to congratulate and check in on them. But then you don’t hear from them for a while and the friendship tapers off. It’s not you, it’s this whole new chapter of your friend’s life that she’s trying to adjust to! Even if she’s not responsive, she IS reading your messages and thinking of you. Just because us moms have a new baby in our lives doesn’t mean we want to drop all of our friends. If I could change something I would have made more effort in the past to be there for my friends who just had babies. It’s hard! And you won’t know what I’m talking about until you have gone through it yourself. So just try to be understanding and make the effort in coming to visit, being supportive, and keeping the friendship going. One day you will be a mom too and may need her!

Non-Moms-  To those reading that are not moms yet: Try your best to take the time in understanding what your mom friends are going through. Offer help, support, love and FOOD! If you can, offer to babysit or cook one night! This time is such an overwhelming crazy time in a new mom’s life that it’s hard to sit down and stay in contact with friends. Be there for her and never be “too busy”. You don’t know the meaning of busy until you’ve had kids, trust me.

Motherhood Changed Me

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Relationships, Sleepless Nights by

The second my little Piglet was born, I felt different. Well of course I felt different I’m the proud new parent of a small human being. But it was something else I tell you. Other chambers in myself opened whilst others shut forever. I was the old Jen but somehow with tweaks in my personality. Sleep deprivation definitely was responsible for the grouch in me but there was more. Suddenly nothing else mattered but HER. Everything about her came first. I would think of her 24 hours a day and research all about sleep patterns, feeding, babies, raising them, do’s and don’ts, products, shop for her, etc. I was and still am completely wrapped up in her.

My viewpoint towards people and friends changed a ton. Friends that didn’t care about my new life were no longer close friends to me. Naturally I grew apart from them. People that didn’t mind their manners about germs, being sick around her or being mindful of her nap time were wretched to me. I laugh. Because I know. It’s crazy. I get crazy mom syndrome sometimes and I’ll admit it. Anyone, and I mean anyone that comes over and isn’t mindful of her naps and what she needs gets to see my dark side, and it’s not pleasant. Lol. It’s all about her.

I cared less about myself. Okay this is bad but good. Bad for me, good for her, sort of. I put all of my energy and life into caring for her, nurturing her and making sure she has everything she needs. I spend time grooming her development and keeping her entertained. I would much rather spend money and time into making sure she has all the toys, games, and clothes she needs rather than spend on myself. The other day I felt guilty about buying sneakers. Why did I buy them? Ever since I got pregnant my feet swelled up and never went back. I needed comfortable shoes to carry her around in. Above all, material items aside, I give her all of me, my time, attention and love. And I’ll keep doing it no matter what. Yes, I’ve let myself go a bit, I’m not as thin and I don’t spend time applying makeup or curling my hair anymore. I really wish I could trust me, but that extra time goes to her and it’s deserving because one day I’ll blink and she will be 16.

Things that used to matter don’t matter anymore. It’s true. You become more focused on your family rather than going out, being around certain groups or spending frivolously on things (unless it’s for Piglet!). You start paying more attention on relationships that matter rather than unfruitful ones.

If you were not already in tune to world events or news even, you start to pay attention because it’s the world your little one will grow up in. Suddenly you worry because he or she will have to be around this. I became more eco-friendly when I became pregnant. I switched out all of my personal and home products. I make sure I recycle and not waste. I try to research all products before purchase. I am even trying to be more energy efficient. I want her to learn these things so she can help preserve our world so that she has a world to live in.

I’m not as nice. For the time being (hopefully). To everyone else besides my Piglet. I hate to say this but it’s true. My patience is tested to the core and I get no sleep or rest day to day. I have nothing left in me to be cordial or deal with small talk. The bags under my eyes speak for themselves. I barely know what day it is anymore and I don’t really care about anything else but getting her naps and feedings in. I have a very low tolerance for B.S. and I’m quick to snap.

On an end note, most of all that’s changed about me is the immense love my heart could hold and feel. I never knew my heart could give this much love or I could feel this way for another. On top of this it grows stronger with each day. I look at her and my heart wants to explode out of my chest. The words “she’s mine” leave my mouth and I hug her close to my heart. My biggest accomplishment is this little human who challenges me in the most meaningful ways each and every day.