Tag Archives: postpartum

Losing Friendships

Posted in New Mom Chronicles, Relationships by

I’ve touched on this topic before in previous posts but lately I’ve been feeling it more than ever. Becoming a mom brings you closer to your family in ways and makes you grow apart from certain friends. I used to have a lot of close friends but these days, I can hardly think of a couple. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones still looming about (I was told it could take a few years to level out!) but I’ve been a little sad about it lately.

I LOVE having my little one as my bestie. She ALWAYS wants to be wish me, around me and to be held by me. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I guess I just feel like I’m mourning the loss of some friendships. It’s funny because there were people that I thought would be more involved in our lives and take an interest in her growth but to my surprise it was completely the opposite. They’ve grown more silent than ever, more absorbed in their own lives and doing their own thing. Am I being selfish? I guess I had certain expectations and I guess I expected people to act as how I would have if the shoe were on the other foot. I feel like if you are a close friend you would want to take interest in my baby’s growth and want to take an active role in getting to know her. Is that too much to ask?

After birth, I had a rough recovery, a rough road. I had a bout of some really narly post partum depression and it was quite a journey to get myself out of it. I just remember having a super difficult time climbing out and needed all the support I could get. Not many were around and not many cared to even know what I was going through. All but one friend really understood my situation and I’m thankful she stood by me all hours of the night and day. She came to my rescue countless times.

My little piglet is now 9 months old and I am happy to say that I have adapted pretty well to my new role in motherhood. Of course everyday is a new learning experience and I have a long way to go but I still do have moments where it’s hard to cope. My hormones are still crazy at times and sometimes I feel really lost. There are moments of loneliness, helplessness, a loss of identity, stress, anxiety and extreme exhaustion. Sometimes I just need a hug and someone to tell me it’s going to be okay! I think this is where I feel the mourning of my friendships. Like I’m over here screaming silently asking for help and no one even notices.

In the end what matters most is your family. Friendships that aren’t meant to be will fall to the wayside and those meant to last will stay. Friendships I thought would strengthen didn’t but there were a couple friendships that blossomed and I have to focus on those instead. Becoming a mother is all about change I just need to let my life and relationships go where it takes me!

Don’t Worry About That Instant Bond

Posted in Childbirth, Pregnancy by

Soon to be moms keep hearing about other mom’s stories of their “love at first sight” and instant bond with their newborn. You see it in movies all the time and hear all the love stories. People will keep telling you how amazing it’s going to be and how you will instantly feel a love and bond like no other. You will go home from the hospital and it will be an amazing time just “oohing” and “aahing” over this new baby. This will be the honeymoon period of your birth!

I’m here to say DON’T put pressure on yourself to feel this and don’t even think or agonize about how you are going to feel when that tiny human comes out of you. Way too many things are going on mentally, emotionally and physically that the last thing you need is to worry about whether you are feeling enough love for your new baby. If you do, great, if not, DON’T WORRY, it happens on its own and you will get there. I think a lot of moms lie when asked if it was “love at first sight”. Hey I get it, sometimes I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t have that fairytale birth where I looked into her eyes and love overwhelmed my heart and soul. Don’t get me wrong, when she was born it was amazing. I cried when the doctor laid her on my chest and when I held her, whoa, it was unreal. I definitely LOVED her and felt a connection. But it wasn’t like the stories I have heard. The bond definitely took some time to build and the love definitely did not come rushing through all at once. Not to fret though, my love for her now is so overwhelming I cry when I think of it. She makes every fiber of my heart melt and I love her more (if that’s even possible) each day. The bond I have with her is something I can’t even begin to explain.

So kudos to the mamas who had the fairytale births, it does happen for many moms, this I know! But if you are one of the mamas who didn’t have this uber emotional lovey dovey birth and you are sitting there wondering if something is wrong with you, don’t worry, nothing is wrong. When you give birth immediately there is a decline in those happy hormones and some women encounter medical issues so it makes it hard to focus on bonding with baby. For me I had a rough experience and post partum depression so it definitely made the bonding period challenging for me. No birth experiences are ever the same so don’t base someone else’s experience to what you are going to face. Yours will be unique entirely on its own. Just know, whether you bond at the hospital or days or weeks later at home, it will be amazing and the love you will feel will make everything worth it.

Rules For Visiting Newborns

Posted in Childbirth, New Mom Chronicles by

I touched briefly on this topic in one of my earlier blog posts but felt I needed to dedicate a post just for this. Before I became pregnant I didn’t realize a lot of these things! Seems like common sense to all moms which a majority of the time it is (there are moms or older people that don’t get it) but for non-parents it’s not! It is really important to respect a family and a mom that has a new baby and to abide by their needs and rules when visiting. Here are some guidelines below:

– Ask mom directly if it’s okay to visit and when would be a good time. If you are in contact with dad make sure he gets the green light from mom. A lot of times dads are oblivious and just invite everyone over without mom’s consent. True story. Don’t be pushy or persistent. Every mom and family is different. Some moms don’t mind visitors straight away but for me I really wasn’t ready for visitors until 8 weeks and even then it was only for really close friends and family.

– Bring food! Do not, I repeat do not come empty handed on your first visit. It is unbelievably hectic when you first bring a baby home and a lot of times food is forgotten about so food is always welcome!

– When you come over wash your hands if you are going to hold the baby. Do not kiss the baby! I think it’s so rude when people just go in and grab your baby or kiss your baby all over the face. That’s the quickest way to give baby an illness!

– Do not hog the baby the whole time or expect to just come over and take away from the special beginning bonding moments of this new family. Instead, see if there’s something you can do around the house like a load of laundry, dishes, cooking a meal, walking the dogs, vacuum, etc. This would be beyond helpful. I hate it when people just come over and want to relax on your couch and hold your baby while you have to sit there and entertain while you are completely exhausted!

– Do not stay long. One hour max. Newborns need their rest and so do moms. Last thing we want is to sit there for hours holding up a conversation when all we can think about is when the next time to nurse is.

– Better yet, leave food at the door and go. Include a note or card asking to let you know when a good time to visit is. This would be beyond appreciated!

– If you are sick, beginning to feel sick or even getting over being sick, please stay home!

– If baby starts crying please hand him/her back to parents. Do not force the interaction or think you should try to soothe baby yourself.

– Abide by parents rules! Every family is different, some more lax than others. If a family requires you to be updated on your vaccines then respect their wishes.

Again, every family is different especially when they have several kids vs. 1. When its a family’s first baby it’s definitely a more sensitive time. I’m sure by the 3rd or 4th baby their rules have definitely changed! It’s best to always ask first though, when is a good time to visit and what do you need? My girlfriend Katelyn who has been a tremendous help is the perfect ideal example of a friend that was super respectful, helpful and accomodating. She checked in on me everyday through text and waited until I was ready to invite her over. She never came over empty handed (always yummy food!) and always took the initiative in doing things to help me. She would come over with groceries and cook, hold the baby while I showered, babysat while I ran errands, and left food on my doorstep because she didn’t want to bother me or wake baby. On top of all this she always respected how I wanted to care for my baby even though she had kids of her own and this was my first! She is definitely the ideal mom friend to have and has been beyond helpful and wonderful to my new family.

Post Partum Depression/Anxiety/Stress

Posted in Childbirth, Pregnancy by

You see articles but you scroll past it, you hear stories but you tune yourself out because hey, doesn’t happen that often and what are the chances that it’s going to happen to you right? Wrong. At least for me. Yes, I glanced at articles, I heard about it in the birth classes I took but I figured it was a small probability and it most likely wasn’t going to happen to me. Boy was I in for a big surprise.

After I gave birth I was in awe of my creation, my sweet baby girl. But I didn’t have that immediate bond that I heard other moms talk about. I loved her yes, and cared for her and wanted to make sure she was okay. But the labor had not only drained me, my bladder and my lady areas were causing me much pain. I was mentally fine at the hospital but once we got home I felt like a darkness fell upon me. All of a sudden we were alone, with no safety net of the nurses and a crying baby. Suddenly at home which reminded me of a life prior to this baby made me sad for some reason. A few days later I had to go to the emergency room, my bladder and bodily functions shut down due to the immense swelling of my episiotomy. I had to have a catheter inserted and needed to see a specialist on top of that. Not only was I struggling at home with motherhood, breastfeeding and healing but now I had this on top of it. Let me tell you having a catheter in is NOT the business especially with a newborn. All of this stress I felt at the moment I figured was due to the health issues and normal new mom stress. I cried. All the time. I mean here I was, struggling with latching and milk production, failing bodily functions, a catheter (which my husband had to empty out for me every few hours), a new baby that I had no clue how to take care of and I was in immense pain. To top it off on Saturday morning of that week (I was discharged Tuesday), I woke up with a UTI and a bunch of guests and in laws. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I wanted to run as far as I could and get away from this life I didn’t recognize. I was screaming deep down inside but nobody heard me. I kept telling my husband that I felt weird and down. He didn’t really understand. He just kept inviting his parents over. I get everyone wants to see the new baby but I was barely clinging onto my sanity and my health. I needed as less variables as possible. I think even he, as many classes as he took did not think I was going to have PPD and didn’t recognize the signs.

The following week health wise I felt much better but I still had that cloud looming over me. I felt a deep sense of sadness, anxiety, stress and pain. I wept in the middle of the night because these feelings kept me up. I sobbed while holding the baby. I cried in the shower. I remember crying to my husband and him just sitting in front of the tv and not even looking over at me. I stood by the kitchen crying, telling him I didn’t feel right, I felt sad and felt like my life was over. He really didn’t say anything and didn’t come over to me. Thinking back brings tears to my eyes because this was by far THE most painful time of my life. I remember the pain feeling like the worst break up of your life times 1000. Think of the worst your heart has felt and multiply it. My heart ached and I could barely face each day. With each day the darkness grew and I sank deeper into this hole. I remember telling myself I couldn’t do this, what was I thinking? I’m not cut out for this. I even felt like I had a made a mistake in deciding to have a baby. I was in over my head. How do other moms manage?! I would talk to my other mom friends and some couldn’t relate and some to an extent. Some felt the “baby blues” but I felt like this was much more than that. I couldn’t fully confess my feelings in its entirety to people because deep down I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like something was wrong with me. None of my other mom friends had ever told me about something like this so why was I going through this? Was there something mentally wrong with me? No, not at all I figured later on.

After a few more days of utter agony I decided to call my OB and speak with her. My voice wavered on the phone and I could barely explain my feelings. I burst into tears out of dispair and embarrasment. I felt like I let my baby and husband down. Why did I feel this way? Why couldn’t I “mom up” and bask in this wonderful time with my new baby? Why was I dwelling on negative thoughts and feeling anxiety? My OB sensed something was off in my voice and had me come in right away. I was hesitant but I obliged. I mean, at this point I had to figure something out because I didn’t want to do anything, not even leave the house or speak to anyone. I remember clearly sitting in the exam room waiting for her. The second she came in she gave me the biggest most sympathetic hug. Immediately I felt a sense of relief and comfort, comfort I so badly needed. Tears started welling up and I could barely speak. I choked on my words in trying to describe my feelings. I couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat and just felt like I wasn’t myself. She said I was definitely not the even tempered person she was used to seeing and suggested I start on a low dosage medication right away to help while my hormones balance out. See, after you give birth immediately you have a drop in hormones and it takes time for everything to come back to normal. I was hesitant to take the pills but when discussing it with my husband for the next couple days he urged me to. He said that I should enjoy this time with our new baby and that this was the way to do it. There was nothing wrong with that. My fears were that I’d have to take these pills forever and I’d never be myself again. I was afraid of it becoming a crutch. After much hesitation he was right. I was losing time with my newborn because of this and I needed to do whatever I could to get better so I could take care of her and enjoy her.

I can’t pinpoint an exact time that I felt better right away but I know it was gradual and it happened. Slowly I felt like myself again, I was able to somehow merge my old identities with my new one, mom. I found ways to adapt to my new role and all the expectations of it. It took time and it was beyond frightful, but I did it. In the beginning I was afraid of being alone with her. Not that I felt like I would do anything to her, it was that I didn’t have confidence in myself to take care of her. It took me a long time to find the courage to take her out on my own. It wasn’t until she was probably 3 months old that I felt comfortable. It was around that time that I decided it was the right time to quit the medication as well. I didn’t want to stay on it long and wanted to see if I was better.

Looking back, I shudder at the thought of how I felt and what I went through. PPD, post partum anxiety and stress are no joke. It can cripple one’s mind. It can be so strong that it can take over everything in you. I wish that this topic were more openly discussed and more information available. It would have helped tremendously if nurses went over this with me before I left the hospital. Furthermore if nurses spoke to husbands about this it could have made a difference. I notice a lot of moms are hesitant to speak up about this because of feeling ashamed or somewhat like a failure. It’s not until I bring it up that other moms chime in as well. Even now, when I do explain this to my soon to be mom friends or non mom friends they don’t quite understand and I can see that same look in their eye as I had that it won’t happen to them. My advice: it can happen to anyone and is more common than you think. It’s best to be prepared for anything than for nothing. This experience completely blindsided me and crippled me mentally and emotionally for weeks. It’s a time I would never want to relive again and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you have gone through it don’t be afraid to speak up about it. If you are going through it don’t hesitate to get help immediately. The longer you let it wait the harder it is to help. If you know someone going through it be there for them and do what you can to help. It can be the most loneliest painful thing one has to face and no one should have to do it alone. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve spoken to that felt like they had PPD but because their husbands ignored them or other people made them feel bad about it they just suffered in silence. No one should have to do this!

Today, aside from being delirious from the lack of sleep (and at times patience tested!) I can say that I’ve adapted to motherhood and I love my new role. Just because there wasn’t an immediate bond in the beginning doesn’t mean that I don’t have a strong one now as any other mom. I love this little piglet to infinity and beyond. I never felt or knew a love of this capacity existed. My heart bursts full of love and awe each day and I can’t believe she’s mine. There are times I still cry but it’s because she makes me so happy and I don’t want her to grow up too fast. I’d be perfectly content keeping her this small forever. She’s my life, my heart and my world.