You see articles but you scroll past it, you hear stories but you tune yourself out because hey, doesn’t happen that often and what are the chances that it’s going to happen to you right? Wrong. At least for me. Yes, I glanced at articles, I heard about it in the birth classes I took but I figured it was a small probability and it most likely wasn’t going to happen to me. Boy was I in for a big surprise.

After I gave birth I was in awe of my creation, my sweet baby girl. But I didn’t have that immediate bond that I heard other moms talk about. I loved her yes, and cared for her and wanted to make sure she was okay. But the labor had not only drained me, my bladder and my lady areas were causing me much pain. I was mentally fine at the hospital but once we got home I felt like a darkness fell upon me. All of a sudden we were alone, with no safety net of the nurses and a crying baby. Suddenly at home which reminded me of a life prior to this baby made me sad for some reason. A few days later I had to go to the emergency room, my bladder and bodily functions shut down due to the immense swelling of my episiotomy. I had to have a catheter inserted and needed to see a specialist on top of that. Not only was I struggling at home with motherhood, breastfeeding and healing but now I had this on top of it. Let me tell you having a catheter in is NOT the business especially with a newborn. All of this stress I felt at the moment I figured was due to the health issues and normal new mom stress. I cried. All the time. I mean here I was, struggling with latching and milk production, failing bodily functions, a catheter (which my husband had to empty out for me every few hours), a new baby that I had no clue how to take care of and I was in immense pain. To top it off on Saturday morning of that week (I was discharged Tuesday), I woke up with a UTI and a bunch of guests and in laws. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I wanted to run as far as I could and get away from this life I didn’t recognize. I was screaming deep down inside but nobody heard me. I kept telling my husband that I felt weird and down. He didn’t really understand. He just kept inviting his parents over. I get everyone wants to see the new baby but I was barely clinging onto my sanity and my health. I needed as less variables as possible. I think even he, as many classes as he took did not think I was going to have PPD and didn’t recognize the signs.

The following week health wise I felt much better but I still had that cloud looming over me. I felt a deep sense of sadness, anxiety, stress and pain. I wept in the middle of the night because these feelings kept me up. I sobbed while holding the baby. I cried in the shower. I remember crying to my husband and him just sitting in front of the tv and not even looking over at me. I stood by the kitchen crying, telling him I didn’t feel right, I felt sad and felt like my life was over. He really didn’t say anything and didn’t come over to me. Thinking back brings tears to my eyes because this was by far THE most painful time of my life. I remember the pain feeling like the worst break up of your life times 1000. Think of the worst your heart has felt and multiply it. My heart ached and I could barely face each day. With each day the darkness grew and I sank deeper into this hole. I remember telling myself I couldn’t do this, what was I thinking? I’m not cut out for this. I even felt like I had a made a mistake in deciding to have a baby. I was in over my head. How do other moms manage?! I would talk to my other mom friends and some couldn’t relate and some to an extent. Some felt the “baby blues” but I felt like this was much more than that. I couldn’t fully confess my feelings in its entirety to people because deep down I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like something was wrong with me. None of my other mom friends had ever told me about something like this so why was I going through this? Was there something mentally wrong with me? No, not at all I figured later on.

After a few more days of utter agony I decided to call my OB and speak with her. My voice wavered on the phone and I could barely explain my feelings. I burst into tears out of dispair and embarrasment. I felt like I let my baby and husband down. Why did I feel this way? Why couldn’t I “mom up” and bask in this wonderful time with my new baby? Why was I dwelling on negative thoughts and feeling anxiety? My OB sensed something was off in my voice and had me come in right away. I was hesitant but I obliged. I mean, at this point I had to figure something out because I didn’t want to do anything, not even leave the house or speak to anyone. I remember clearly sitting in the exam room waiting for her. The second she came in she gave me the biggest most sympathetic hug. Immediately I felt a sense of relief and comfort, comfort I so badly needed. Tears started welling up and I could barely speak. I choked on my words in trying to describe my feelings. I couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat and just felt like I wasn’t myself. She said I was definitely not the even tempered person she was used to seeing and suggested I start on a low dosage medication right away to help while my hormones balance out. See, after you give birth immediately you have a drop in hormones and it takes time for everything to come back to normal. I was hesitant to take the pills but when discussing it with my husband for the next couple days he urged me to. He said that I should enjoy this time with our new baby and that this was the way to do it. There was nothing wrong with that. My fears were that I’d have to take these pills forever and I’d never be myself again. I was afraid of it becoming a crutch. After much hesitation he was right. I was losing time with my newborn because of this and I needed to do whatever I could to get better so I could take care of her and enjoy her.

I can’t pinpoint an exact time that I felt better right away but I know it was gradual and it happened. Slowly I felt like myself again, I was able to somehow merge my old identities with my new one, mom. I found ways to adapt to my new role and all the expectations of it. It took time and it was beyond frightful, but I did it. In the beginning I was afraid of being alone with her. Not that I felt like I would do anything to her, it was that I didn’t have confidence in myself to take care of her. It took me a long time to find the courage to take her out on my own. It wasn’t until she was probably 3 months old that I felt comfortable. It was around that time that I decided it was the right time to quit the medication as well. I didn’t want to stay on it long and wanted to see if I was better.

Looking back, I shudder at the thought of how I felt and what I went through. PPD, post partum anxiety and stress are no joke. It can cripple one’s mind. It can be so strong that it can take over everything in you. I wish that this topic were more openly discussed and more information available. It would have helped tremendously if nurses went over this with me before I left the hospital. Furthermore if nurses spoke to husbands about this it could have made a difference. I notice a lot of moms are hesitant to speak up about this because of feeling ashamed or somewhat like a failure. It’s not until I bring it up that other moms chime in as well. Even now, when I do explain this to my soon to be mom friends or non mom friends they don’t quite understand and I can see that same look in their eye as I had that it won’t happen to them. My advice: it can happen to anyone and is more common than you think. It’s best to be prepared for anything than for nothing. This experience completely blindsided me and crippled me mentally and emotionally for weeks. It’s a time I would never want to relive again and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you have gone through it don’t be afraid to speak up about it. If you are going through it don’t hesitate to get help immediately. The longer you let it wait the harder it is to help. If you know someone going through it be there for them and do what you can to help. It can be the most loneliest painful thing one has to face and no one should have to do it alone. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve spoken to that felt like they had PPD but because their husbands ignored them or other people made them feel bad about it they just suffered in silence. No one should have to do this!

Today, aside from being delirious from the lack of sleep (and at times patience tested!) I can say that I’ve adapted to motherhood and I love my new role. Just because there wasn’t an immediate bond in the beginning doesn’t mean that I don’t have a strong one now as any other mom. I love this little piglet to infinity and beyond. I never felt or knew a love of this capacity existed. My heart bursts full of love and awe each day and I can’t believe she’s mine. There are times I still cry but it’s because she makes me so happy and I don’t want her to grow up too fast. I’d be perfectly content keeping her this small forever. She’s my life, my heart and my world.